Humor
146 articles
Humor
Everything That Will Happen After I Silence My Phone at the Movie Theatre
The customer-service representative from whom I’ve been waiting for a callback for fifty-three hours will call me back one minute before I turn my phone back on.
我在电影院静音手机后将会发生的一切
我等了五十三小时回电的客服代表，会在我开机前一分钟打来。
Humor
Help—I’m a Narrator Stuck in the Calm.com Meditation App!
Sure, rhythmic, pattering rain can help regulate your nervous system, and trigger your autonomous sensory meridian response, but me? I’m wet.
救命——我成了Calm.com冥想应用里的旁白！
诚然，有节奏的淅沥雨声能帮助调节你的神经系统，触发你的自主感觉经络反应，但我呢？我浑身湿透了。
Humor
America!: Newly Declassified Secrets from the C.I.A.’s Ice-Cream Archives
Orange-creamsicle lovers and a cult of soft-serve radicals, revealed.
美国！：中情局冰淇淋档案最新解密机密
橙味奶油冰棒爱好者与软冰淇淋激进派崇拜，揭晓。
Humor
Instructions for Pet-Sitting My Dog, Cerberus
It’s just an old habit for him to block the front door. If he’s stationed there, do not order delivery.
照看我的狗刻耳柏洛斯的指南
他挡住前门只是老习惯。如果他守在那里，就别点外卖了。
Humor
A Mostly True History of Marco Rubio
No one knows Marco Rubio’s age. It’s part of his mystery. So is his height. Look it up. No one knows.
马尔科·鲁比奥的近乎真实历史
没人知道马尔科·鲁比奥的年龄。这是他神秘的一部分。他的身高也是如此。查一查吧。没人知道。
Humor
What My Life Would Be Like If All of Those Spam Texts Were Legit
I’d have dozens of packages shipped to me from USPSS, USP, and FidEx that only require my signature to obtain.
如果那些垃圾短信都是真的，我的生活会是什么样
我会收到来自USPSS、USP和FidEx寄来的几十个包裹，只需我签名就能领取。
Humor
Memorandum from the National Review Committee for National Day Designations
The Committee continues to recognize National Pizza Day, but denies the petition for a distinct New York-Style Pizza Day.
国家节日命名审查委员会备忘录
委员会继续承认国家披萨日，但驳回了设立独立纽约风味披萨日的请愿。
Humor
Dear Pepper: How to Have Some of It All?
I mourn the professional velocity I️’ve lost, along with a community of friends.
亲爱的佩珀：如何拥有一切的一部分？
莉安娜·芬克撰写幽默建议专栏，探讨一对夫妇在迎来第一个孩子后所面临的选择。
Humor
Bari Weiss Is On It
Our first goal, as with “60 Minutes,” is balance. Lake Mead has been on the north side of the Hoover Dam for too long. When we’re finished, it will be on the south side, too.
巴里·韦斯：我盯上了
我们的首要目标，和《60分钟》一样，是平衡。米德湖在胡佛大坝北边太久了。等我们完工，它也会出现在南边。
Humor
I’ll Pay Twenty Thousand Dollars to Skip Your Jazz Show
How’s cash sound?
我愿出两万美元跳过你的爵士演出
现金如何？
Humor
Aparna Nancherla and Josh Gondelman Enter the Cartoon Caption Contest
The comedians try their hand at captioning New Yorker cartoons.
Aparna Nancherla与Josh Gondelman加入漫画标题竞赛
两位喜剧演员尝试为《纽约客》漫画配文。
Humor
The Saddest Happy Hours in N.Y.C.
Featuring live-band karaoke and B.Y.O.T. (bring your own tortilla) Tuesdays.
纽约市最悲伤的欢乐时光
特色包括现场乐队卡拉OK和自带玉米饼星期二。
Humor
To-Do List for While My Baby Naps
Get down to Inbox Zero. Or at least Inbox 7,329, which would still be a big improvement.
宝宝小睡时的待办清单
把收件箱清空到零。或者至少降到7,329封，那也算巨大进步了。
Humor
The Odyssey 3: IMAXimum Impact
Speak now, muse, of the ministrations of Damon, friend of Affleck and foe of Kimmel, who bravely grew out his beard for a year.
《奥德赛3：IMAXimum冲击》
缪斯啊，请讲述达蒙的侍奉——他是阿弗莱克之友、金梅尔之敌，勇敢地蓄须一整年。
Humor
How to Write When You’re Feeling Stuck
If you focus on writing a thousand words a day, you won’t feel overwhelmed by the fact that you’ve been trapped in a submarine for the past year and a half.
写作卡壳时该怎么办
如果你专注于每天写一千字，就不会因为过去一年半被困在潜艇里而感到不堪重负。
Humor
Practicing Shopping-Cart Meditation
Random things that I somehow convinced myself I desperately need.
购物车冥想练习
那些我不知怎么说服自己急需的零碎物件。
Humor
Skarsgård Green-Card Marriages
Each one of our lucky clients will be expertly matched with a Skarsgård sibling, which are indeterminate in number.
Skarsgård绿卡婚姻
我们每一位幸运客户都将与一位Skarsgård家族成员精准配对——该家族成员数量不定。
Humor
Misophonia Fireworks
Now with even shorter fuses!
恐音症烟花
如今引信更短了！
Humor
Paul Revere’s Unabridged Instructions
Light twelve lanterns and give yourself a mop-top haircut if it seems like more of a cultural invasion.
保罗·里维尔的完整指示
如果这更像是一场文化入侵，那就点亮十二盏灯笼，再给自己剪个拖把头。
Humor
America!: Insane Clown Posse Changes Their Name to Pretty Reasonable Clown Posse
The Overton window of bonkersness has shifted so far that songs like “Still Stabbin’ ” sound Sinatra-esque.
美国！：疯狂小丑帮更名为相当理性小丑帮
疯狂程度的Overton窗口已偏移如此之远，以至于《还在捅》这样的歌曲听起来都像辛纳屈风格了。
Humor
Clapback to the Future
PAST: Bodysculpting. PRESENT: Looksmaxxing. FUTURE: Vibeplundering.
回击未来
过去：塑形。现在：颜值最大化。未来：气场掠夺。
Humor
Mr. Men I’ve Dated
Meet my exes, including Mr. Natural Deodorant and Mr. Conspiracy.
我约会过的那些先生们
认识我的前任们，包括天然除臭剂先生和阴谋论先生。
Humor
Job Opportunities for Former Screenwriters
Standup Comedian: Yes, it pays less than minimum wage—and that’s if you get paid—but, on the bright side, you’ll get lots of blurry photos of you sweating near a microphone.
前编剧的就业机会
单口喜剧演员：是的，报酬低于最低工资——而且这还是在你拿到钱的情况下——但好的一面是，你会得到许多你在麦克风旁汗流浃背的模糊照片。
Humor
Things I Am Worried Will Happen While I Drink Coffee from My “Super Dad” Mug
Literally any mom might see me.
端着“超级老爸”马克杯喝咖啡时，我担心的事
任何一个妈妈都可能看到我。
