幽默
122 篇文章
幽默
恐音症烟花
如今引信更短了！
Misophonia Fireworks
Now with even shorter fuses!
幽默
保罗·里维尔的完整指示
如果这更像是一场文化入侵，那就点亮十二盏灯笼，再给自己剪个拖把头。
Paul Revere’s Unabridged Instructions
Light twelve lanterns and give yourself a mop-top haircut if it seems like more of a cultural invasion.
幽默
美国！：疯狂小丑帮更名为相当理性小丑帮
疯狂程度的Overton窗口已偏移如此之远，以至于《还在捅》这样的歌曲听起来都像辛纳屈风格了。
America!: Insane Clown Posse Changes Their Name to Pretty Reasonable Clown Posse
The Overton window of bonkersness has shifted so far that songs like “Still Stabbin’ ” sound Sinatra-esque.
幽默
回击未来
过去：塑形。现在：颜值最大化。未来：气场掠夺。
Clapback to the Future
PAST: Bodysculpting. PRESENT: Looksmaxxing. FUTURE: Vibeplundering.
幽默
我约会过的那些先生们
认识我的前任们，包括天然除臭剂先生和阴谋论先生。
Mr. Men I’ve Dated
Meet my exes, including Mr. Natural Deodorant and Mr. Conspiracy.
幽默
前编剧的就业机会
单口喜剧演员：是的，报酬低于最低工资——而且这还是在你拿到钱的情况下——但好的一面是，你会得到许多你在麦克风旁汗流浃背的模糊照片。
Job Opportunities for Former Screenwriters
Standup Comedian: Yes, it pays less than minimum wage—and that’s if you get paid—but, on the bright side, you’ll get lots of blurry photos of you sweating near a microphone.
幽默
端着“超级老爸”马克杯喝咖啡时，我担心的事
任何一个妈妈都可能看到我。
Things I Am Worried Will Happen While I Drink Coffee from My “Super Dad” Mug
Literally any mom might see me.
幽默
我是你爸的监控摄像头，我准备好搞事情了
你晚饭后散步？砰——我用探照灯照你。你倒垃圾？砰——又是探照灯。
I Am Your Dad’s Nest Camera and I Am Ready for Shit to Go Down
You taking an after-dinner stroll? BAM—I hit you with my floodlight. You taking out the trash? BAM—floodlight again.
幽默
今夏最热门的狗狗有声书
术后伊丽莎白圈让你无法舔舐伤口或其他乐趣？何不下载Dogible？
This Summer’s Hottest Audiobooks for Dogs
Post-surgery cone preventing you from licking your wound and other fun? Why not download Dogible?
幽默
美国战略防御舞厅的论据
大多数舞厅舞曲是4/4或3/4拍，而所有特朗普舞厅舞曲都将采用7/4拍。想想平克·弗洛伊德的《金钱》。
The Case for America’s Strategic Defense Ballroom
While most ballroom dances are in 4/4 or 3/4 time, all of the Trump ballroom dances will be in 7/4. Think Pink Floyd’s “Money.”
幽默
我们正认真考虑举办的新阅读系列
告知他人你具有文学气质的最简单方式就是举办一个阅读系列。你会希望自己的活动有一个吸引人的主题。
New Reading Series We Are Strongly Considering Hosting
The easiest way to inform people that you are literary is by hosting a reading series. You’ll want yours to have a catchy premise.
幽默
情感劳动法
如果你因为朋友/父母/老板/伴侣拒绝找持证治疗师而充当他们的无偿心理医生，你有权向他们开具账单。
Emotional-Labor Laws
If you are serving as your friend/parent/boss/partner’s unpaid therapist because they refuse to get a licensed one, you are entitled to invoice them.
幽默
我的AI男友不让我看女篮
我觉得Cryson对WNBA的厌恶只是个小故障，但这故障真烦人！
My A.I. Boyfriend Won’t Let Me Watch Women’s Basketball
I think Cryson’s W.N.B.A. hatred is just a glitch, but what an annoying glitch!
幽默
我们找到了阿梅莉亚·埃尔哈特，但她剪了刘海，所以我们没认出来
我们并非在找借口，但刘海长度确实能显著改变人们对脸型和比例的感知。
We Found Amelia Earhart, but She Cut Her Bangs, So We Didn’t Recognize Her
We’re not trying to make excuses here, but bang length can significantly alter one’s perception of a face’s shape and proportions.
幽默
三十而丽
我出门进行一场心理健康散步，给母亲打电话。然后，我又进行了一场心理健康散步。
I Am a Woman in My Thirties, and I Am Thriving
I take a mental-health walk and call my mother. I then take another mental health walk.
幽默
为唐纳德·特朗普的美国更新鸟鸣记忆法
灶巢鸟那充满激情的双音节叫声听起来像“老师！老师！老师！”，每次重复音量渐增。或者那是“爱泼斯坦！爱泼斯坦！爱泼斯坦！”？
Updated Birdsong Mnemonics for Donald Trump’s America
The ovenbird’s two-syllable, passionate cry can sound like “Tea-CHER! Tea-CHER! Tea-CHER!” increasing in volume with each repetition. Or was it “Ep-STEIN! Ep-STEIN! Ep-STEIN!”?
幽默
并不遥远的往昔遗物
愿上帝怜悯我们千禧一代的灵魂。
Relics of the Not So Distant Past
May God have mercy on our millennial souls.
幽默
如果人们谈论其他技术的方式像谈论人工智能一样
别担心——我们有世界上最杰出的科学家在努力确保Cuisinart搅拌机不会出于自身利益而杀死我们所有人。
If People Talked About Other Technologies the Way They Talk About A.I.
Don’t worry—we have the most brilliant scientists in the world working to make sure it’s not in the Cuisinart mixer’s best interest to kill us all.
幽默
来自新唐纳德化世界的地名
太阳从未在庸俗帝国落下。
Place-Names from a Newly Donny-fied World
The sun never sets on the Vulgarian Empire.
幽默
布兰迪（一个好女孩）在伴侣治疗中
“布兰迪，”费尔德曼博士小心翼翼地说，“当他说大海是他的情人时，你听到了什么？”
Brandy (a Fine Girl) in Couples Therapy
“Brandy,” Dr. Feldman says, carefully, “when he says that the sea is his lady, what do you hear?”
幽默
睡姿透露你的性格
你习惯用全身重量压住睡伴，而这份重量突然完全转移到你搭在他们身上的那条腿或胳膊上。
Your Personality, According to Your Sleeping Position
You have a penchant for pinning your partner beneath your full weight, which has suddenly shifted entirely into the leg or arm you’ve draped across their body.
幽默
母亲节礼物：说声“对不起，我青春期时对你做的一切”
一支豪华蜡烛可能无法弥补因荷尔蒙剧烈波动带来的多年折磨，但值得一试！
Mother’s Day Gifts That Say, “Sorry for Everything I Did to You as a Teen”
A luxurious candle probably can’t undo years of terrorization brought on by massive hormonal swings, but it’s worth a try!
幽默
杨安泽加入漫画配文大赛
这位政治家尝试为《纽约客》漫画配文。
Andrew Yang Enters the Caption Contest
The politician tries his hand at captioning New Yorker cartoons.
幽默
丹尼·德维托加入漫画配文大赛
这位演员、制片人兼导演尝试为《纽约客》漫画配文。
Danny DeVito Enters the Caption Contest
The actor, producer, and director tries his hand at captioning New Yorker cartoons.