Humor
166 articles
Humor
Voter Fraud We’ve Identified So Far
After scouring billions of ballots, we have identified countless instances of voter fraud. They are countless, in part, because we are unwilling and unable to count past thirty-four.
我们迄今查获的选民舞弊
在翻查了数十亿张选票之后，我们发现了不计其数的选民舞弊案例。之所以不计其数，部分原因在于我们既不愿意、也没有能力数到三十四以上。
Humor
New Kinds of Trad Wife I Could Be
Outfit Only: I totally look like I’m in a sexy version of “Little House on the Prairie,” but I refuse to do a single chore.
我可以成为的新型传统妻子
只穿搭：我看起来完全像是《草原小屋》性感版里的角色，但我拒绝做任何一件家务。
Humor
Currently on View in an Art-Fair Booth
If the art market ceases to exist, you’ll at least have a painting of Bart Simpson.
艺术展位现正展出
就算艺术市场不复存在，你至少还能拥有一幅巴特·辛普森的画像。
Humor
Some Ways A.I. Might Do It
A.I. tells fifty per cent of people that knee-high socks are in and the other fifty per cent that no-show socks are in, and everyone dies in the Sock Wars.
人工智能可能这样做的几种方式
人工智能告诉一半的人及膝袜流行，告诉另一半的人隐形袜流行，然后所有人都在袜子大战中丧命。
Humor
Your Parents’ Fall TV Preview
Have you considered “Six Hours a Day of MSNBC” on MS NOW (or Fox News, depending on your specific parents)?
你父母的秋季电视前瞻
你有没有考虑过在MS NOW上看“每天六小时MSNBC”（或者福克斯新闻，取决于你具体是哪家的父母）？
Humor
Updated Jane Austen Titles
Including “Brain-Rot Third Space” and “Based and Vibey.”
简·奥斯汀作品标题更新版
包括《脑腐第三空间》和《潮到飞起》。
Humor
Arrangements I Would Accept
Marriage is hard; an arrangement is sexy, bold, mature. Getting married says, “I’m a romantic.” Having an arrangement says, “I know how the world works.”
我愿意接受的安排
婚姻很难；而安排则性感、大胆、成熟。结婚等于说"我是个浪漫的人"，而有个安排则等于说"我懂这世界怎么运转"。
Humor
Late-Night Dorm-Room Conversation Topics, Updated for Middle Age
Fuck, Marry, Kill: Income-tax returns, life-insurance policies, that folder explaining benefits that you received from H.R. when you were onboarded, and then immediately lost?
深夜宿舍话题，中年更新版
操、娶、杀：报税单、人寿保险、入职时HR给你的那份福利说明文件夹——然后你立刻弄丢了？
Humor
Some Legacy Sequels We Hope Are Never Made
But if you’re reading this and want to green-light one, please don’t hesitate to be in touch.
我们希望永远不会被拍摄的遗产续集
但如果你正在读这篇文章，并想批准其中一部，请随时联系我们。
Humor
Instructions for Watching My Girlfriend While I’m Out of Town
Make sure that water is always available to Blythe, but don’t freak out if she doesn’t drink much. Blythe believes that hydration is “a conspiracy invented by Gatorade.”
我不在时，如何照看我的女友
确保布莱斯随时有水喝，但如果她喝得不多，也别慌张。布莱斯认为补水是“佳得乐发明的阴谋”。
Humor
Welcome to Career Day
I spend two-ish hours messing around with an A.I. chatbot, as per the company’s new mandate, teaching it how to do my job so that it can replace me. Any questions?
欢迎来到职业日
我花了大约两个小时与一个人工智能聊天机器人周旋，按照公司的新规定，教它如何做我的工作，以便它能取代我。有什么问题吗？
Humor
Seven Steps to Financial Success, According to a Guy Who Won a Multimillion-Dollar Lawsuit Against the Circus
You can optimize your chances by insuring that you’re in the best possible position to get whacked in the face by wealth and prosperity.
七步迈向财务成功，据一位赢得对马戏团数百万美元诉讼的人士所言
你可以通过确保自己处于最有可能被财富和繁荣迎面击中的位置来优化你的机会。
Humor
Google Chrome’s Latest Updates
We understand that downloading and re-starting your browser disrupts your workflow, but you weren’t working anyway.
谷歌浏览器最新更新
我们理解下载并重启浏览器会打断你的工作流程，但反正你也没在工作。
Humor
The Least-Wanted Items at My Parents’ Estate Sale
Seventeen years’ worth of National Geographics, stacked by my father in order of “least to most erotic.” Price: $400.
父母旧物拍卖中最无人问津的物品
父亲按“从最不色情到最色情”顺序堆叠的十七年《国家地理》杂志，标价400美元。
Humor
What Your Swimwear Says About You
Yellow polka-dot bikini: you were deeply affected by a Yoplait Light commercial as a youth and consider this suit to be the physical manifestation of confidence.
你的泳衣透露了什么
黄色波点比基尼：你年轻时深受Yoplait Light广告影响，认为这件泳衣是自信的实体化表现。
Humor
First-Date Montage
Yes, I am odd, but I am still multifaceted.
初次约会蒙太奇
是的，我古怪，但我依然多面。
Humor
Everything That Will Happen After I Silence My Phone at the Movie Theatre
The customer-service representative from whom I’ve been waiting for a callback for fifty-three hours will call me back one minute before I turn my phone back on.
我在电影院静音手机后将会发生的一切
我等了五十三小时回电的客服代表，会在我开机前一分钟打来。
Humor
Help—I’m a Narrator Stuck in the Calm.com Meditation App!
Sure, rhythmic, pattering rain can help regulate your nervous system, and trigger your autonomous sensory meridian response, but me? I’m wet.
救命——我成了Calm.com冥想应用里的旁白！
诚然，有节奏的淅沥雨声能帮助调节你的神经系统，触发你的自主感觉经络反应，但我呢？我浑身湿透了。
Humor
America!: Newly Declassified Secrets from the C.I.A.’s Ice-Cream Archives
Orange-creamsicle lovers and a cult of soft-serve radicals, revealed.
美国！：中情局冰淇淋档案最新解密机密
橙味奶油冰棒爱好者与软冰淇淋激进派崇拜，揭晓。
Humor
Instructions for Pet-Sitting My Dog, Cerberus
It’s just an old habit for him to block the front door. If he’s stationed there, do not order delivery.
照看我的狗刻耳柏洛斯的指南
他挡住前门只是老习惯。如果他守在那里，就别点外卖了。
Humor
A Mostly True History of Marco Rubio
No one knows Marco Rubio’s age. It’s part of his mystery. So is his height. Look it up. No one knows.
马尔科·鲁比奥的近乎真实历史
没人知道马尔科·鲁比奥的年龄。这是他神秘的一部分。他的身高也是如此。查一查吧。没人知道。
Humor
What My Life Would Be Like If All of Those Spam Texts Were Legit
I’d have dozens of packages shipped to me from USPSS, USP, and FidEx that only require my signature to obtain.
如果那些垃圾短信都是真的，我的生活会是什么样
我会收到来自USPSS、USP和FidEx寄来的几十个包裹，只需我签名就能领取。
Humor
Memorandum from the National Review Committee for National Day Designations
The Committee continues to recognize National Pizza Day, but denies the petition for a distinct New York-Style Pizza Day.
国家节日命名审查委员会备忘录
委员会继续承认国家披萨日，但驳回了设立独立纽约风味披萨日的请愿。
Humor
Dear Pepper: How to Have Some of It All?
I mourn the professional velocity I️’ve lost, along with a community of friends.
亲爱的佩珀：如何拥有一切的一部分？
莉安娜·芬克撰写幽默建议专栏，探讨一对夫妇在迎来第一个孩子后所面临的选择。
