If you are considered attractive in middle age, it simply means that you look young.

Conversely, if you are considered attractive in middle school, it simply means that you look old.

If you are an attractive high-school student, have fun out there. But understand that, when you become an adult, nobody is going to like you.

You are a hundred years old and people still tell you how attractive you are? It’s genuinely heartwarming and, quite frankly, touching that you don’t realize you’re being condescended to.

Aren’t you an attractive dog! Every day of your life, people just come up to you and inform you of your beauty, right to your face. Isn’t that right? Who’s the pretty doggy? Yes, you are! Oh, you like getting scratched behind your ears, don’t you?

If you are portraying the wacky sidekick in a Hollywood movie but are still viewed as attractive, then you have badly misunderstood your job description. Report to wardrobe immediately to get your eccentric haircut and “Who Farted?” T-shirt.

However, if you look attractive while wearing a “Who Farted?” T-shirt, may I get your number?

Although you qualify as an attractive insect, you, Ms. Ladybug, are still likely to get squished. But take solace in the fact that, unlike your less comely bug brethren, the person doing the squishing will undoubtedly feel some amount of guilt and, perhaps, mutter an apology as they are murdering you.

Are you an attractive great-grandfather? Then you are Mick Jagger. Congratulations on that fact alone. I don’t understand the math of your whole “great-grandfather” thing, but, somehow, that is the reality of your familial situation. Yet you look so spry and handsome, and not just when you’re standing next to Keith! Well, I’m a huge fan. And please send my regards to Satan.

If you are deemed attractive while sitting on the toilet, call the police. You are being spied on by a pervert. It might be time to plaster over the peephole in your bathroom wall.

If you have a facial tattoo and are found attractive, you may have one of those hyperrealistic facial tattoos that depict the life-size visage of Ryan Gosling laid over your entire face, and you have been mistaken for Ryan Gosling.

If you are an attractive priest, understand that people are going to have questions.

Hello, attractive nun! Can you please sing that “Do-Re-Mi” song? Everybody loves that one.

If you appear attractive immediately after going through a gruelling six-hour surgery, you are a surgeon—and you maybe don’t take your job seriously enough?

When you audibly state that you are attractive while gazing into a mirror, you are suddenly rendered incredibly unattractive, even if you have one of those to-scale Ryan Gosling facial tattoos and a flattering, tight-fitting “Who Farted?” T-shirt.

If you are an attractive piece of furniture, annoying aesthete types may declare you “sexy.” But do not be persuaded to go to bed with them—unless you are a bed. ♦