Before you go to bed, turn off your phone, set it on the other side of the room, and cancel your Verizon plan. Do not fall for retention offers.

Give yourself time to wind down. Blindfold yourself for at least three hours. No water for three days. No human contact for six. Are you tired yet?

Imagine yourself on a breezy, beautiful island, surrounded by crystal-clear water filled with piranhas that spare only the sleeping.

Here’s a trick that Navy SEALs use: they sleep.

Avoid blue light. Also green light, pastels, leopard print, polka dots, and X.com.

If you have been unsuccessfully trying to sleep for more than twenty minutes, get up, leave your bedroom, and run your nails across the nearest chalkboard until you are screaming, pleading to go back.

Imagine what it would be like if you were sleeping.

Have you tried mouth-taping?

Hush, little baby. Don’t say a word.

Think of everything that you’re worried about. Now stop.

Lavender.

Count things. Have you fallen asleep yet? Then keep counting. You have not mastered this foolproof technique until you fall asleep.

Get blackout shades so effective that they make you question whether you’ve been buried alive.

Stick to an evening routine: meditate, take a warm bath, meditate, read a book, meditate, write in a journal, meditate, fall asleep.

Keep in mind at all times that, along with exercise, the most effective way to prevent Alzheimer’s is to get enough sleep, probably.

Do not exercise within seven hours of bedtime.

Make a list of things you are grateful for. Make a list of things you are not grateful for but should be.

Listen to A.S.M.R. where a person gently taps on CPAP machines.

Drink Sleepytime tea. The bears in sleeping caps and nightgowns on the box are excellent role models.

Make a list of your enemies. Make a list of their enemies. These are your friends.

Breathe. Don’t breathe. Breathe. Don’t breathe. Breathe. Don’t breathe. Breathe. Don’t breathe. Breathe. Don’t breathe. Breathe. Sleep.

Consider when your sleep challenges began. Was it childhood colic? Or maybe generational trauma?

Turn on really loud white noise. So loud that it sounds like you’re on an airplane, another place you cannot sleep.

Get a smart watch that honks every time you are not asleep.

Read the entirety of John Locke’s “An Essay Concerning Human Understanding.” If you’re stimulated by “An Essay Concerning Human Understanding,” you cannot be helped. ♦