The Popes That Trump Might’ve Liked
The other day, President Trump took to Truth Social to complain that Pope Leo XIV, the new Supreme Pontiff from Chicago, has been “weak on crime.” The Pope preaches peace too much, the President said, which “does not sit well with me.” There have been two hundred and sixty-seven Popes in the history of Popedom; would any of them have measured up to the President’s standards?
Pope Urban VI, who Poped from 1378 to 1389, was as tough as they come. He was so tough that he arrested half a dozen cardinals, confined them in an old cistern, and tortured them, after hearing a rumor that they were plotting to get rid of him. (As Trump once said, “When somebody challenges you unfairly, fight back.”) Only one cardinal survived—smells like a snitch—and Urban was apparently disappointed by how little the other captive cardinals had screamed.
As far as tough guys go, Pope Stephen VI (896-97) is up there, too. Like many strong leaders, he hated his predecessor, Formosus. In the mid-890s, Formosus supported King Arnulf, the leader of the Franks, in his invasion of Italy, then crowned Arnulf Roman Emperor—despite there already being a Roman Emperor. Even after Formosus died, Stephen VI, his replacement, thought that the dead Pope hadn’t been sufficiently punished for this betrayal, so he exhumed Formosus’ body, dressed it up “Weekend at Bernie’s” style, and put it on trial. Formosus’ corpse was found guilty of violating papal law. It was also accused of perjury, as many men—dead, or President—have been. Perhaps Formosus was just the victim of a witch hunt.
Pope Alexander VI (1492-1503) is another Pontiff who might have passed muster with Trump. Much like the President, he was a family man and a nepo baby. His uncle had been Pope and had personally made Alexander a cardinal. Then, when Alexander ascended to the papacy, he made at least nine relatives cardinals. He knew how to keep his family close—to God, of course. Even more up Trump’s alley, Alexander VI was a businessman. During his papal candidacy, he supposedly promised a rival cardinal multiple mules laden with bags of silver in exchange for supporting his bid. (“Leverage,” Trump has remarked. “Don’t make deals without it.”) It is said that, in 1501, Pope Alexander’s son Cesare, born of his chief mistress, Vannozza (“I’ve had them all, secretly, the world’s biggest names,” Trump once wrote, of his romantic partners), threw a party that became known as the Banquet of Chestnuts. Fifty young courtesans attended, according to a journal entry from the time, “at first in their garments, then naked.” Then “chestnuts were strewn around, which the naked courtesans picked up, creeping on hands and knees between the chandeliers.” Trump loves a nice chandelier. His new four-hundred-million-dollar East Wing ballroom was supposed to have several gold ones, but a very weak judge has blocked construction.
Pope Benedict IX might have caught the President’s fancy. At one point, he accepted a pretty sum to abdicate the papacy—the art of the deal. Benedict is also the only Pope in history to hold the office three times, so there’s a good chance he’s already on the President’s radar.
We also shouldn’t forget about Chief Pope, the L.A.P.D. officer from “The Closer,” who’s not technically a Pope (or a real person) but is definitely tough. As is Olivia Pope, the D.C. fixer from “Scandal,” whom the show describes as a “gladiator in a suit.” It would have been better if she were an actual gladiator Pope, but you can’t have everything.
Or perhaps the President would have been satisfied enough with Peter, one of Jesus’ original twelve apostles, whom many consider to be the first Pope. Peter is famous for denying ever knowing Jesus. Trump, too, has denied association with people whose names start with “J.” There’s nothing tougher than that. Then again, the Bible says that as soon as Peter denied Christ, he “wept bitterly” in remorse, which is decidedly weak. Everyone knows real Popes don’t cry. ♦