DAD: Thank you all so much for coming. Like every year, we’re going to go around in a circle and read selections from the Haggadah. Everyone will get a turn and no one will be bored.

MOM: Everyone fill up your glasses! Bill, wine?

WACKY UNCLE: I don’t want to sing “Dayenu” too loudly again, threateningly emphasizing the ‘die’ part while glaring at my ex-wife, so I’ll stick with grape juice.

DAD: Is everyone ready to read?

SCAPEGOAT CHILD: Oh boy, I hope I get appointed ‘evil son’ again.

DAD: Now, since this is a night of questions, please feel free to stop the Seder and ask anything you want, or just share your thoughts.

YOUNG ANNOYING KID: I have a million comments from Hebrew school to share, but as I’m sure we’re all hungry I’d be glad to wait until the meal ends, or even hold back entirely.

Everyone is immediately up in arms.

COLLEGE KID VISITING HOME: But how will we know what the saltwater represents?

YOUNG ANNOYING KID (humbly, blushing): It… it means tears.

Sighs of relief. Young Annoying Kid bows quietly. Everyone claps for more but Young Annoying Kid says nothing, keeping all esoteric Seder knowledge to himself for the rest of the evening.

DAD: This is a Seder plate. There’s a bitter herb, an egg, and—

NON-JEWISH PERSON AT THE SEDER: A shank bone! Yum.

DAD: Throughout the meal, we’ll point to these objects and it will all make sense.

COLLEGE KID VISITING HOME: God makes sense.

Everyone laughs agreeably.

ANNOYING OLDER COUSIN (coming back to the table): I just found the afikoman that the youngest kid was hoping to find, but then I felt bad so I put it in a place that is easy for a child to reach.

TEEN-AGE DAUGHTER: Just in time for the rest of the story! God is about to carry out the ten plagues against the Egyptians. I know because I’ve been here all along, instead of my room.

NON-JEWISH PERSON AT THE SEDER: Wow! We’re up to the fun plagues already?

DAD: Yes. And after the plagues, Pharaoh freed the Jews, and Moses split the sea, and—let me check—yeah, that’s pretty much it! Now we’re up to the meal, since I haven’t skipped anything.

TRADITIONAL GRANDPARENT: But even if you had skipped something, great! After all, it is “Passover.”

MOM: Good one!

DAD: Yes, that is good.

Everyone laughs, eats, and stays awake.

WACKY UNCLE: I’ll only play Elijah if it’s grape juice.

Illustration by Silja Goetz.