Keeping Cough
Keeping Cough is a pertussis infection caused by holding in a productive cough owing to the fear of being perceived as having some form of coronavirus. The result is an eventual cough that produces a sound comparable to a car backfiring through a bag of gelatine. Psychological treatment for anxiety and increased masking in public are in many cases sufficient to treat this unfortunate buildup of phlegm and embarrassment.

Theraphonia
This is a condition in which patients (typically those who have undergone professional psychological assessment, but not always) have inappropriate outbursts of “therapy speak” in everyday conversation. A simple jerk, asshole, or meanie becomes a “sociopath” or “textbook narcissist.” Disagreement becomes “gaslighting.” Requesting that someone clean up after themselves is “abuse.” These patients often have trouble maintaining close relationships except with other sufferers, in which case those relationships are routinely, to quote, “extremely toxic.”

Blue Raspberry Lung
Blue Raspberry or “Blue Razz” Lung is a respiratory infirmity frequently co-morbid with the more typical bronchiolitis obliterans, or “popcorn lung.” Symptoms include frequent non-urinary rest-room trips, constant utterances of “bro” or “bruh,” a persistent sweet aroma, and a lung capacity similar to that of a common hamster. When co-morbid with popcorn lung, this illness results in X-ray showing lungs that have a distinctive trail-mix-like appearance. With immediate cessation or a switch to a less delicious flavor like “tobacco,” recovery is highly likely.

E.D.M. Clubfoot
A podiatric ailment, E.D.M. Clubfoot is usually identified by noticeable and complete pedal-arch collapse in patients. This condition is linked to prolonged periods of time in inexpensive and constricting platform boots. Other symptoms include foot fungus, irregular blood flow, and “Let’s just take an Uber. ” Treatment options include specialized footwear and, routinely, comprehensive addiction counselling.

Storiasis
Also known as “exzuma,” this skin malady is usually first identified from multiple Instagram stories or other social-media posts depicting various travel destinations in a very short length of time. Indicative captions from patients include “Take me back!” and “[Location] owes me nothing.” A chronic inflammatory dermal condition, Storiasis is often caused by lack of sunscreen, constant exposure to foreign pathogens, and excessive alcohol consumption.

Oxytocin Dependence
With the rise of more open-relationship structures, Oxytocin Dependence has been reported at startling levels in certain social groups. Symptoms vary wildly but can include hyper-promiscuity and “We’re always looking for a third,” to the more insidious “Monogamy is actually unnatural” and “Where my hug at?” Withdrawals can be brutal, and decidedly non-sexual/sensual/physical support is crucial during these times.

Doubt
Frequently observed among the mega-rich or other groups who overindulge, this chronic psychological condition is characterized by a general sense that any thing or concept may not be real. Distinct from ennui, generalized anxiety, and depression, doubt-sufferers pathologically seek to disprove facts, particularly if they do not align with previously held beliefs. This ailment has been exacerbated exponentially by obsessive use of artificial intelligence that makes patients believe they’re some sort of uniquely aware demigod.

Polio
Increased vaccine hesitancy has resulted in the resurgence of polio, particularly in the “crunchy mom” and “raw milk” communities. Polio can attack the nervous system and can lead to irreversible paralysis and occasionally death due to respiratory failure. The solution for this has been well known and well studied since the mid-twentieth century, and yet here we are. ♦