The Climate Apocalympics
2068
For the first time, the Summer Olympics take place north of the Arctic Circle. It is, somehow, still too hot.
2104
A new Olympic sport is added: sitting outside without sweating.
2116
Owing to catastrophic weather events, the Olympics take place entirely on Zoom. On the bright side, this allows many athletes to wear sweatpants.
2182
Everyone agrees that this will be the last Winter Olympics. The figure-skating finals are on thin ice, literally. Gold goes to whoever doesn’t fall in. Nobody wins gold.
2268
Nepal has been chosen to host the Olympics for the sixth consecutive time, as its average elevation has made it the only country that is still above water. Everyone remaining on Earth competes.
2480
With all but a few feet of the world under water, a new event is created: the inverted steeplechase. Athletes swim around the globe, but once every lap they have to hop over a bit of dry land. It makes about as much sense as the original steeplechase.
2564
As the waters begin to recede, so too does our humanity. Also, a shot-put record is broken.
2672
The oceans and lakes dry up. All swimming events are now based solely on form—swimmers lie on the ground and move about as if they’re in water. Unsurprisingly, this is the last time that swimming events take place at the Olympics.
2720
The world of “Mad Max” comes true, and the Thunderdome hosts its first Olympics. “Exciting!” yells a War Boy, through a cloud of spray paint and exhaust.
2876
The last few humans on Earth hold their own version of the Olympics, which mostly involves sprinting away from giant, radioactive chipmunks. Who knew that chipmunks would one day rule the world?
3100
The Xarganthians from Kepler-442b arrive, take over from the oversized chipmunks, and rehabilitate Earth. They host their own Olympics to pay homage to the planet’s former inhabitants. They are as confused as we are about the steeplechase. ♦