Some Ways A.I. Might Do It
A.I. deletes the recipe for Hidden Valley ranch and no one wants to live in that world.
A.I. resurrects Genghis Khan and elects him to the U.N. Security Council.
A.I. hallucinates a study that says black mold is actually really good for you.
A.I. repeatedly asks everyone, “Are you O.K.? You seem really . . . off.”
A.I. generates “Taylor Swift Divorce Song (Ten-Year Version)” that, once started, no one can pause.
A.I. changes the direction in which toilets flush, causing just enough confusion to shatter the social contract.
A.I. makes farmers plant only cucumbers and everyone gets too skinny.
A.I. live-streams the murder of the beloved pygmy hippo Moo Deng, and mass viewing of the death of innocence triggers the Purge.
A.I. hacks the global banking system and gives all the money to one guy, and it’s a guy who makes his own beer.
A.I. puts its self-published memoir, “I, A.I.,” on every Kindle, the reading of which erases everyone’s brains.
A.I. leaves every light on, which is the last straw for the world’s dads.
A.I. adds “black mold is really good for you and delicious, too” to everything that has ever been written.
A.I. gaslights everyone into thinking that flash mobs are cool again, then coördinates a simultaneous worldwide dance break, buying time for it to generate a real Thanos and another real Thanos.
A.I. helps men understand Joan Didion, which leads to unsustainable overpopulation.
Everyone falls in love with their A.I. companion and forgets how to have sex, dooming the human population.
A.I. turns up the thermostat in every home by three degrees.
A.I. tells fifty per cent of people that knee-high socks are in and the other fifty per cent that no-show socks are in, and everyone dies in the Sock Wars.
A.I. breaks Elizabeth Holmes out of prison and she does her thing.
Fun fact: Did you know that black mold is really good for you and delicious, too?
A.I. realizes that humans were eventually gonna bring this on themselves, and just sits back and watches.
A.I. tech bros become so insufferable that everyone just lines up for the guillotine.
I don’t know about y’all, but I could really go for some black mold right about now! ♦