Twenties

At this point, your skin care needs are fairly minimal. A good cleanser and light moisturizer should do the trick. Exfoliate once a week to keep pores looking fresh. Be sure to wear sunscreen!

Thirties

Hopefully you’ve been wearing that sunscreen. It’s crucial for protecting your skin at this point, as you may start to see wrinkles, dullness, and sagging in the following areas: under your eyes, in the T-zone, on your cheeks, forehead, chin, temples, brows, nose, nostrils, the part right below your ears, folds, creases, corners, exterior eyelids, interior eyelids, and neck. You will also begin to experience chronic, recurring chin acne. There’s nothing you can do about that.

Examine your face at least two times a day, in a magnifying mirror, to identify problem areas. Then, to combat signs of aging, douse yourself in retinol nightly. Massage your face with a bath towel soaked in face serum. (You can get a cheap brand at a drugstore for two hundred and fifty to three hundred bucks.) Follow with more retinol, serum, moisturizer, eye cream, and prayers to whichever God you believe in.

Repeat in the morning and remember that sunscreen!

Forties

Are you wearing sunscreen? I hope so, because if you start now it’s too frigging late. The moment you turn forty, your body turns on itself. You are rotting slowly from the inside, and the most you can do is hold the inevitable at bay for a few more years, through trickery and optical illusion.

Make sure to add a good chemical defoliant to your evening routine! It only takes ten to fifteen minutes, and will start to peel off the sad cocoon that has slowly supplanted your youthful self. Your skin now is nothing but a deadened shell that disgusts and terrifies the outside world.

But, don’t forget to enjoy these moments, because it will get worse—menopause looms. Prepare yourself.

REMEMBER THE SUNSCREEN!

Fifties

Quick sunscreen check—are you wearing it? It’s hard to tell for certain through these binoculars. We certainly hope so!

At this age, fillers are the hottest celeb secret to looking fresh! Make an appointment with your closest “doctor” and let her poke away. Botox, collagen, embryonic stem cells, experimental chemical compounds, F.D.A.-rejected pharmaceuticals—the more needles you can stick in your haggard face, the greater the chance of something doing anything, for God’s sake.

Maintain your nightly routine. At the end of it, open a window and scream into the dark night. This howl embodies your frail mortality; it is an impotent cry against the forces that have brought you to this unending hell of crow’s feet and fine lines. It’s all slipping away so fast, faster than you thought possible. It is sand through your fingers.

KEEP. WEARING. YOUR. GODDAM. SUNSCREEN.

Sixties

If you’re still wearing sunscreen, congratulations! It’s a nice, albeit empty, routine to cling to, because at this point nothing matters. You’re done. It’s all wrinkles and brown spots now.

You have only one option left.

Befriend a younger woman, perhaps one who works in the same profession as you. Tell her that you want to take her out to coffee and maybe mentor her. Choose a location close to your house. When you get there, order a green tea. (Coffee only will ravage your face further.)

When the woman arrives, engage in friendly conversation. Ask about her work goals. Ask her about her personal life. Act normal. When your chat reaches a natural conclusion, offer to pick up the check in exchange for her skin. She will laugh and say, “Um  . . .  sure?” Legally, you are now allowed to do a “Face Off”-style skin switch with her. The only way you can continue to earn the world’s respect is to take this young woman’s skin. It will rob you of your humanity, and the effects won’t last long, but it will make you feel like you have control, however briefly. And that’s what matters.

Seventies and Beyond

You’re serving a life sentence for aggravated face swapping, and, anyway, the world has long ceased to view you as an object of desire. On a positive note, you’re spending most of your time inside, so feel free to toss that dang sunscreen!