Sign Here
Sign here, please.
And here.
And on page 3 as well.
And I’ll need your signature here. And here.
And right here at the bottom of page 7, too.
Then I’ll need you to initial here. And here. No, not a full signature. Just your initials. We want to convey a sense of “breezing through” this section of the contract. Like “I read this, but I didn’t dwell on it.”
Uh-huh. Now, on page 11, we just need one initial. Could be first or last name. Middle is fine, too. No confirmation names. “L.” Well chosen.
All right, now, on the bottom of page 15, I just need a letter that’s not your initial. Could be any letter. Cyrillic alphabet is fine. Not encouraged, but accepted. Ooh, I see you’ve written “L” again. Unfortunately, that is one of your initials. Remember? From page 11? So go ahead and cross that out, initial the change, then write in a non-initial next to it.
“X.” Hmm. See, that almost looks like a signature. . . . You know? The way idiots in old movies sign their names? No, no, no, I’m not saying you’re in old movies. I just think you should choose a more neutral initial. “P.” Excellent. Everybody’s happy.
Now, on page 19, we’re gonna need you to do a full signature again, then sort of a winking smiley face. Like you’re signing it but you’re being real playful about it. Like “Oh, you want my signature? Is that what you want? Well, come and get it, Mr. Man.” No, don’t actually write “Mr. Man.” That’s just a common fake name, like Mrs. Girl or Guy Dude.
O.K., terrific. Then, on page 26, go ahead and sign your first name, along with the last name of the boy you had a crush on in fourth grade. Exactly. Like you’re going to marry him someday and take his name and you’re practicing your signature for when you . . . sign checks, I guess? Or contracts! You’re right. Great example. And just go ahead and sign it that way thirty or forty times, all over the page, like a crazy person. And you can sign it in different styles—some real fancy, like you married a prince, and others real dumb and sloppy, like the prince turned back into a mule. Exactly, because you’d have to adapt your signature accordingly.
We’re flying now! O.K., page 30. See where it says “droit moral”? I need you to turn the page over, and on the blank side I need you to draw a hand turkey. Yeah, just one of those things where you trace your hand and you make it into a little turkey. Perfect. Oops, don’t forget the little legs. And the beak . . . Ooh, the wattle is a nice touch. What’s that? Oh, “droit moral”? It means “droid morals.” Like it’s such an obvious moral question that even a robot would know the answer. Hey, don’t mention it. What are lawyers for?
Page 42! Homestretch! Now, this is a little trickier. In the margin next to the section that says, “Agreement to forfeit all future monies,” I need you to go ahead and draw the “and” sign. Like an ampersand? I need you to draw that from memory. Nope, that’s a treble clef. Similar shape but very different meaning. I need the “and” symbol. No, sorry, that’s the “at” symbol, like a Twitter handle. I’m talking about the “and” symbol, like in “Rodgers & Hammerstein.” . . . I’m not sure, I think it’s Aaron Rodgers and M.C. Hammer’s accountant. What? What do you mean, “stereotype”? I have no idea what type of stereo I own. Wait, I do. Bang & Olufsen. You know what, just skip that page.
Now I need a full signature one more time, but really big, in case whoever reads this is super old.
And then I need your billing Zip Code and the last nine digits of your Social Security number. And you can just write it all on that napkin that’s lying right next to the contract. Perfect.
Oh, and that last page? The page that says, “This page left blank on purpose”? Just cross out “on purpose” and replace it with “for flexing.” Then go ahead and draw a man flexing his biceps. Like a real muscleman. Oh, sure, you can use me as a model. That’s actually very flattering. Makes the whole “shirtless” approach seem worthwhile, after all. Then just print your name under the drawing and you’re all set!
Congratulations! You’re officially a Knicks City Dancer. Go ahead into the other room and get measured for your butt shorts. They come in XXS or You’re Fired. ♦