NOTE: You must be at least seven and a half decades old to go on these rides.

Pirates of the Caribbean Cruise
This attraction has no Caribbean per se and no real cruise to speak of, but it does offer pirates who will plunder everything that isn’t nailed down in your semi-private residential unit while you are at your weekly clay class.

Before the end of the voyage, a lucky few will be swept away to a new wing where there’s said to be less theft.

Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride to the Urologist
Hop into the passenger seat of Mr. Toad’s jazzed-up roadster as he careers through gardens, farmers’ markets, rotaries, strip malls, children’s birthday parties, and crowded parking lots, finally arriving just in time at the urologist’s office, where Mr. Toad’s appointment has been cancelled but they couldn’t get in touch to tell him because the network was down.

The Tunnel of Nap
A gondola floats you into a dark channel as you drift, gently rocking with the current, while music plays, but nobody can hear it, because your snoring is so incredibly loud. At nine o’clock this morning, you got out of bed and dressed, as you have been told to do every day, and you remember eating breakfast at nine-thirty, and the clock at the entrance to the Tunnel said 11:30 a.m. when you went in, and the clock at the exit of the Tunnel said 3 p.m. when you came out, and you must have somehow napped through lunch, and can that possibly be right?

Dodge-’Ems Bumper Cars Crosswalk Scramble
White lines on the pavement and brightly flashing yellow lights on prominent signs insure that every bumper car, no matter how fast it is going or what other cars are bumping into it, will stop when you step into the crosswalk—because that’s the law!

Laugh in the Dusk
Enter a foggy party-time land where voices say things that might be jokes, but you can’t be sure, because in all the exciting ambient noise it’s hard to pick out any one thing that anybody is saying, so you laugh at everything, just to be on the safe side. Wellness guidelines recommend that all seniors laugh at least twice a day for good health, but they don’t say what to laugh at, or even whether you need to hear or understand, just as long as you laugh.

The “Found Your Glasses!” Joyride
Someplace nearby yet far away, your glasses are lost, and there’s no one to help you on your journey to find them, because you know you did something with them yourself; and, halfway through the ride, you seem to remember that you left them in your handbag, and the ride swoops in for a closer look, but they’re not there, they’re not there, and where can they be? And now the ride’s end approaches, and still no glasses, but maybe you left them in the car, and the ride swerves by the garage, and you open the car door, and you feel in the cup holder, and there they are! You have found your glasses! And you put them on, and you are so happy, because you were starting to think you would never find them, and would have to go back to Nogales for a new pair; and even better, your senior-discount ticket is unlimited, so you can (and will) have this happy sensation again and again.

The Cyclone
This is an actual midlatitude Category 4 cyclone (weather permitting). Our Sensurround Widescreen shows you Fort Myers, Florida (or wherever the storm makes landfall), in real time, and you can rejoice because you knew enough not to retire in Hurricane Alley, for God’s sake, unlike the poor Hildebrandts.

Matterhorn Mountain Log-Flume Splashdown
Put on your rain pants and waterproof parkas for this one—rain gloves and waterproof boots and a sou’wester hat would be a good idea, too, and pack plenty of thirsty towels in a waterproof tote, and a flask of brandy, and the emergency number of the Swiss Alpine Hypothermia Team—and prepare for an experience.

Authentic Old-Time Small-Town Main Street
Stroll this period-perfect Main Street where they still have a Beefsteak Charlie’s, a Bell Atlantic office, a Chemical Bank, and other nostalgic features.

If you will be travelling to Senior-Discount Disneyland by air, stand in one of the security lines that stretch out the airport doors, argue bitterly with your spouse, rent a car, take I-95 to the Sprain Brook Parkway, and head south. Near Orlando, turn left onto Water Tower Road, slight right onto Water Tower Road (The Sequel), then hard right to rejoin Water Tower Road. Begin weeping. Through your tears, see a brief, shimmering vision of What Might Have Been. Continue straight until “Wrong Way” sign threatens severe tire damage. Remember it’s only a rental. Proceed. ♦