Attention: Team Acme
We’re thrilled to announce a new company-wide initiative. This week, we’ll be rolling out a robust suite of new A.I. tools, designed to future-proof our workflows and insure that we remain best in class when it comes to employing the very biggest tools in the white-collar workforce.

As part of this rollout, you can expect enhanced collaboration with a range of newly A.I.-optimized losers and douche bags. Some of these tools may feel familiar, but please note that they have undergone a meaningful transformation in the past six months, and are now fully agentic when it comes to annoying you.

Please begin working with these tools immediately. At the end of the quarter, we’ll be circling back to assess key performance indicators.

Management, Acme Enterprises

James
Works in marketing. Last year, he was a crypto tool, making frequent references to the “on-chain community.” After a brief pivot to brewing mushroom coffee in the office kitchen as part of his “cognitive stack,” he has reëmerged as the company’s Chief A.I. Growth Architect, a role that appears to consist mostly of coming up with novel ways to spam people.

Tara
Known for her capable client-facing presence, Tara has begun leveraging generative A.I. to scale her personal brand as a “female founder.” A recent LinkedIn post opens with a vulnerable story about her pet iguana’s heat-lamp preferences and concludes with the revelation that “the real moat isn’t efficiency. It’s warmth.”

Matthias
Seemed normal, until a breakup caused him to spend an entire long weekend lurking on Moltbook. Was reborn as an “A.I. Doomer.” Begins Slack messages with “In eighteen months, none of this will matter.” Has replaced his profile photo with a picture of a crumbling statue.

Preston
Now talks openly about his poetry degree from Bard instead of saying he “went to college on the East Coast.” Has started wearing scarves and spending company time writing sonnets, which—in two years, when we’re unshackled from capitalism—he knows will be Earth’s primary currency.

Bryan
Relentless self-explorer who has started feeding transcripts of his interactions with every woman in the office to his A.I. agent, and tasked it with forming a strategy for getting him laid. So far he’s had zero sex but generated substantial training data. His agent notes a particular brick wall when it comes to macking on Emily.

Emily
Previously the office social secretary, Emily has quietly declared it a feminist move to outsource all emotional labor to L.L.M.s. Her Slack messages wishing you a happy birthday and offering condolences after the death of your dog are suspiciously bullet-pointed. ♦