Someone died.

You mistakenly assumed that my brain wouldn’t beeline straight from “unexpected call” to “someone died.”

You’re feeling too lazy to text, and you know perfectly well that I’m just going to let it go to voice mail and then text my response anyway.

You’re one of those weirdos who enjoys talking to other humans.

You accidentally deleted the messaging app, and you also accidentally deleted the Google app, so you can’t look up “deleted messaging app how to get back.”

You need to tell me something that you can’t spell, like, “My mischievous phlebotomist exsanguinated my vein, and then used a fuchsia handkerchief as a tourniquet, and, if I can’t instantaneously discuss this with my preternaturally conscientious psychologist over hors d’œuvres, I’ll definitely be interred in a beautiful cemetery. Pterodactyl.”

Butt-dial. You have no idea that this crisis is even happening.

You don’t know about texting because you’ve been living under a rock, and, incidentally, you’re calling because you need some help rolling that rock off you.

It’s been so long since you’ve made a phone call that you’re just checking to see if you still can.

You don’t want a written record of what you plan to discuss with me—maybe an affair, a corporate-espionage scheme, or a potentially contagious fungal infection.

Someone dared you to call instead of text, never dreaming that you’d accept such an audacious challenge.

In a world in which the very technology that purports to unite us actually alienates us, you’ve chosen to reclaim the human voice as a crucial nexus of personal connection.

You get off on making people squirm, you sicko.

You’re panicking just as much as I am right now because your finger accidentally brushed the Call icon, and it’s too late to tap End Call because I will have already seen your number pop up.

You’re being forced by kidnappers to provide proof of life to your loved ones.

You’re about to suggest an even more daredevilish escalation of social anxiety: meeting to converse in person.

You lost both thumbs while expressing enthusiastic approval of someone who was arriving by helicopter.

You have such wonderful personal news that you absolutely must tell me over the phone to hear my immediate, unfiltered response!

No, someone definitely died. ♦