Product Overview

This window-mounted air-conditioner—which you shamefully purchased a mere two days after vowing to save money and stick it out in your un-air-conditioned apartment this summer—is equipped with air vents, a temperature knob, and a cooling knob. There are various other notable aspects of this unit, but they’re not worth explaining to you. You barely know what any of these words mean, and you only ordered this model because it was the first item listed when you filtered by “price, lowest to highest.”

Before First Use

Check for any damage that may have occurred during transportation. Acknowledge that the unit has incurred much damage, likely resulting from your haphazardly heaving this enormous piece of metal up three flights of stairs to your tiny apartment. Assume the damage isn’t that bad.

Keep packaging materials away from children—just kidding, you probably don’t have children. Put packaging materials wherever you want. You’ll get around to throwing them away in about two weeks.

Installation

Step 1: Attach the top rail to the main unit, using the four screws provided. Oh, wait, it seems that you have somehow already lost the screws. Skip this step and hope that things will be fine.

Step 2: Slide the left and right accordion shutters out so that they fit the frame of your window, then place the product on the windowsill. At this point, you’ll recognize that the A.C. unit you bought is the wrong size and shape for your window. How were you supposed to know that different windows require different units? You’re not a window expert! Soldier on as if nothing were wrong.

Step 3: Cut the adhesive foam and stick it to the top rail of the unit. You were actually supposed to do this first, but you read the directions wrong. Good luck cutting the foam with one hand as your other struggles to clutch the A.C.!

Step 4: Come to terms with the fact that you should never have tried to do this by yourself. Scream for your roommate to come help you.

Step 5: When your roommate arrives, aggressively motion for her to do something, anything, to help. Keep in mind that she also has no idea what she’s doing, and that she was having a very pleasant afternoon before you forced her to participate in your misguided attempt at A.C. installation.

Step 6: Slam your window down so that it holds the unit in place. Thank God that your window overlooks an ugly, abandoned courtyard, so when the A.C. inevitably falls backward out the window it won’t hurt anyone.

Step 7: Turn on your new air-conditioner, sit back, and enjoy spurts of cool air paired with a deafening mechanical sound.

Cleaning and Maintenance

Who are we kidding? You’re never gonna clean this thing.