On Monday, October 8th, Tesla filed an intent-to-use trademark for a “distilled agave liquor” called Teslaquila. Here, we take a look at the other trademarks that Tesla’s C.E.O., Elon Musk, may have filed that day.

Testla

A solar-powered, reusable pregnancy test. Seriously, just leave it in the sun for an hour and it’s ready to rock and roll all over again. Also, it’s a hundred per cent accurate.

Tickle Me Tesla

What child wouldn’t love a stuffed Elon Musk? Just give him a squeeze, and he’ll recite your favorite Musk quotes:

“Mountain lions eat cats!”
“I am the alpha.”
“The holier-than-thou hypocrisy of big media companies who lay claim to the truth but publish only enough to sugarcoat the lie is why the public no longer respects them.”

E-Lawn Mulch and Fertilizer

These bags are full of shit.

Elon Mask

After a hundred-hour work week, what could be more soothing than a face mask infused with tea-tree oil, charcoal, and a variety of serums from Grimes’s makeup bag? Nothing, that’s what.

The Model S(ex) Personal Massager

I mean, this one’s pretty self-explanatory.

Toastla

You think you’ve had toast? You honestly think you’ve had TOAST?? The Toastla line of toaster ovens delivers perfect toast every time—whether you’re heating up an English muffin or crisping slices of a baguette from La Fournée à Brest. It may look like a Hamilton Beach to the layman, but it’s not; it’s different.

TesLove

When you’re an entrepreneur, it’s hard to find a partner whose life style is compatible with your own. Between business coffees, business lunches, business dinners, and business drinks, who has time to find someone with whom to share non-business hours? At TesLove, we match you with an equally physically and emotionally unavailable, ambitious individual to spend your life “with.”

Musk

You’ll smell like a million bitcoins with Musk: a fragrance for men. Top notes include bergamot, leather, and the unlimited possibilities of A.I. Base notes include sandalwood, roasted pecan, the relentless pursuit of market dominance, and jasmine.