Will these pants still fit me?
100% No.

Is it my fault?
100% Yes.

I don’t mean the pants—I mean everything.
100% Yes.

It’s a beautiful day, with bright-blue skies, a warm sun, and a cool breeze. So this afternoon I’m going to take a walk in the park. I will pass a young couple in love, laughing in the sunshine. Will I assume that they are laughing at me?
100% Yes.

Spot on my neck: Cancer?
88% Yes.
12% More tests are needed, none of which my insurance will cover.

I’ve forgotten where I parked—am I getting old?
10% Yes.
90% I am getting old, but in this case my car has been stolen.

At some point during today’s session, will it seem to me that my shrink is writing a lot more on his notepad than usual?
100% Yes.

Is he?
100% Yes.

Approximately how long after I receive my scalding-hot coffee will the turbulence begin?
10% Immediately.
20% As the flight attendant is handing it over, just above my laptop.
70% It doesn’t matter—the engines have all failed.

Just going back to that spot on my neck: Is a spot with defined edges cancer, or a spot with undefined edges?
100% Whichever kind of spot I have is cancer.

I read a novel recently that was legitimately awful. Even putting aside the dull structure and thin characters, it was clear that the writer had nothing new to say and couldn’t even be bothered to risk saying an old thing in a new way; the entire book felt like an exercise in cynicism, as if it had been crafted with the sole intention of being just middling enough to succeed. Will it be a best-seller?
50% National best-seller.
50% Global phenomenon.

Will it win awards?
100% Yes.

Will the awards be given on merit or just to annoy me personally?
100% Just to annoy me personally.

Why is that car following me? It’s been following me for, like, fifteen minutes.
10% Because he’s behind me on the 405.
90% Because he’s following me home to kill me.

What was that noise?
100% Something bad.

After a casual lunch with a good friend, will I, later, overthinking the conversation, take a few of her words out of context and interpret them as a vicious attack?
100% Yes.

Will I know, before she and I get together again, that I will perceive an attack regardless of what she says?
100% Yes.

And will I perceive it anyway?
100% Yes.

Remember that thing I did, a few weeks back, that everyone said I shouldn’t do, but which I did anyway, because I march to the beat of my own drum and because fortune favors the brave? Will that blow up in my face?
40% Yes.
30% It already has.
30% “Blow up” doesn’t quite cover it.

Does anyone else hear that humming sound?
100% No.

Back to that spot on my neck: Treatable?
100% No. But, even if it is, my undiscovered brain tumor is not.

Comedy or tragedy?
         Too close to call. ♦