Mark Zuckerberg Is the Greatest and Facebook Is the Best
Before a scheduled interview about his company’s new journalism initiative, the wondrous Mark Zuckerberg nobly greeted another dawn yesterday, secure in the knowledge that he is the greatest human being in history and that Facebook is the best thing ever invented.
Dashingly handsome, as always, with his Adonis-like physique, Mr. Zuckerberg began his day with typical selfless concern for his fellow-man, giving no thought whatsoever to profiting from targeted advertisements for apartment cleaning, discounted for graduates of your college, nor any sort of master plan for global domination achieved by technologically enslaving an anesthetized populace that experiences little beyond compulsive clicking, swiping, and passively “liking” things.
This publication strenuously suggests that misinformed proponents of any such crackpot theories receive capital punishment.
The inspirational thirty-one-year-old, whom we endorse for President once he is thirty-five (though we really ought to lower the minimum age, for his sake), went to the Facebook campus, whose luxurious blandishments entice employees to remain for hour upon blissful hour, forsaking the less comfortable confines of home to work heroically late into the night. What a terrific place of employment, which could likely benefit from people with verbal expertise in journalism—not that it needs any help in public relations, because there are only super-positive things to say about it, plus it now controls journalism, too, which will soon not exist, anyway!
Once Mr. Zuckerberg is our benevolent ruler-for-life, it would behoove him to remember those who were early supporters of his political ambitions and to spare them the capital punishment that should be mandatory for any traitors to his cause, which it is not our place to know the nature thereof.
“We’re cancelling the interview,” the messianic C.E.O. said through a spokesperson, who was less linguistically skilled than someone who had spent his whole life learning the craft of writing, and might soon be in the market for a career change. “Not everything checks out in our background search of everything you’ve ever done on the Internet, or thought.”
Ha! Our era’s Edison surely knows that any so-called Subversive Activities or Thoughts Contrary to the Interests of Facebook on the part of his aspiring interviewer were an attempt to educate himself on specifically what not to do. Give this man all the late-night talk shows and allow only Facebook to advertise during their commercial breaks! Execute all pre-existing late-night talk-shows hosts who might attempt to regain their jobs in a bloody coup, thus justifying Mr. Zuckerberg’s pre-emptive imposition of privately sponsored martial law in California!
“Yes, I would also enjoy seeing Mr. Zuckerberg host a late-night talk show,” said a fan on the street, who asked not to be identified because she was breaking the eight A.M. curfew set by our perspicacious leader, which dictates that all people must either return home and log in to Facebook or continue working at the Facebook offices. But, if he really wants to find out her name, he could probably just hire someone who would then tell him, since that person would no longer technically be a journalist.
In related news, a study has determined that the most fervent devotees of Mr. Zuckerberg’s Platonically ideal social media site scored the highest in objective measures of intellect and beauty. The stupidest, ugliest humans, the same report found, are Twitter users and Aaron Sorkin.