PHOTOGRAPH BY PG/MAGNUM

It’s finally here ... the New York City Marathon! And I’m so blessed to have friends and family (like you!) who supported me on this long and arduous journey.

For those who aren’t caught up, I will not be running in the marathon this year as intended. It was a stressful decision, but ultimately my weak build, fragile kneecaps, and inability to endure any sort of physical stress did me in. It’s like I always say—blame the body, not the brain. I am always saying that. People tell me I need to stop.

Thanks to everyone who donated—your money should be refunded to you any day now, and soon I hope to stop receiving hate mail from the March of Dimes. Mom and Dad, I owe you extra-special thanks for purchasing my new running shoes, countless compression shorts, and that foam roller. I promise to use these while I lightly ellipticize for twenty-minute periods while watching “Chopped” on the Food Network. I’ll be the hippest lady at my twenty-five-dollar-a-month gym, where old adults and ex-convicts go to exercise slowly in their jeans.

Mom, I owe you another big thanks for being so supportive of my decision to completely bail. You’ve always let me quit things at which I showed a lot of promise, with only minor protestation and a whiff of disappointment, and for that I can literally never repay you.

I still do hope you’ll come out and support me this weekend. It’s hard to see so many thousands of people accomplish something that you yourself have tried and failed to do. I’m going to be majorly bummed ... but I’m also going to be day-drinking a heavily seasoned Bloody Mary at an expensive brunch place. Then, later, I will retire to my couch to watch the marathon on TV. You’ll still be able to track my movements on the marathon app—just enter my last name and my bib number, which is 34293. I wasn’t able to deactivate the tracking device, despite tears shed on the phone with Monica, a volunteer who I swear was born without empathy.

Please know that I did try. I really did. I woke up early to run, and I even downloaded the Couch-to-5K app. I was in the best shape of my life and never felt better. I kept thinking, “Slow and steady wins the race,” but a) no, that’s not true; Kenyans win the race and b) maybe quitting is my way of going slow and steady. I also realized that the marathon fell on the weekend of Halloween. And, you guys, this year Halloween is on a Friday. A Friday! Which is just the best.

Again, thanks to everyone who believed in me. And thanks to those of you who knew I would give up fast and early. I love you all and hope you’ll consider going through this again next year because I’ve got some news—I fully intend on running the marathon in 2015! But I’m going to need lots of emotional and financial support before I even begin training.

Happy marathon weekend!