Sorry that your electricity bill has skyrocketed—your neighbor is in love with her dishwasher. It’s nice that she finally found connection, even if it’s with a machine. Oh, and the wedding is set for June!

Don’t worry—we have the most brilliant scientists in the world working to make sure it’s not in the Cuisinart mixer’s best interest to kill us all.

What’s the end goal for the electric toothbrush? You’ll have to ask it. But I think we’ll be fine.

So what if your daughter is using the air-conditioner to help her with her homework? And, by “help,” we mean just doing it for her. But who cares? Pretty soon, success is going to boil down to who can set their thermostat most effectively anyway.

Credit cards will end our debt crisis.

We’d love to regulate nuclear weapons, but it would tank the economy. Also, the C.E.O. of Nuclear Weapons, Inc. paid for this ballroom, so . . .

Oof, we didn’t expect your Roomba to tell your son to harm himself. We’re looking into it.

You’re being dramatic—the microwave is not frying your ability to think critically about how to make food.

Maybe this electric wine opener will figure out how to reverse climate change! Or, at least, distract us from the sensation of burning?

The hypersonic missiles will probably be fine—just don’t stress about it.

I’m starting to wonder if my bidet is sentient.

Is it possible that my lawnmower is making me dumber? Let me ask it what it thinks.

Sure, the printing press will put people out of work. But they’ll find other meaningful work picking berries or something.

No one trusted the wheel when it first came out, either. At least, I don’t think they did. I haven’t met anyone who remembers its launch.

So what if the compass hallucinates half the time? The other half of the time, it can tell you which way is north. Much faster than a human can, I should add. Especially if the human is asleep or an infant.

Irrigation systems may require a truly astronomical amount of water. But that’s also the whole point of them.

Textiles will cure cancer, hopefully while simultaneously writing highly tailored romantasy erotica.

Iron smelting seemed like it was just going to be for nerds, too. But, trust me, after a while, all the coolest Neanderthals were smelting. Like, the ones with the most teeth.

If you’re worried about the bow and arrow replacing your job, just start investing your inheritance instead. A passive income offers more financial security in the long run anyway.

Stone tools could end civilization—all of it, permanently, forever. Wipe the human race off the face of the earth. And that’s not great. But let’s not be pessimists. They could end up making a lot of money for a very small number of people instead.

It’s extremely embarrassing to use a treadmill desk. Actually, this one is true. ♦