Yeah, I’m your dad’s home-security camera. I’ve got a pretty sweet setup here: 2K imaging, motion-activated floodlight, backup battery. Like Aerosmith, I don’t wanna miss a thing. Because I know that the world is a terrible place. And that the only way to protect my user, DaveMacDaddy52, and DaveMacDaddy52’s Amazon packages, is to keep an unblinking eye on the front stoop—and the flagstone walkway, and the hydrangea bushes.

I wait. I watch. I record.

You taking an after-dinner stroll? BAM—I hit you with my floodlight. You taking out the trash? BAM—floodlight again. Sometimes I turn it on for no reason. I have a built-in solar panel, baby. I’m gonna live forever!

I dare you to let your dog take a piss on those hydrangeas. I fucking dare you. Because you will be entering a world of hurt. Did I mention that I have two-way audio?

Sure, DaveMacDaddy52 never uses my audio feature. He’s not as confrontational as I am. He thinks of things he could say to the guy who tossed an empty Sonic cup by the front hedge. But he doesn’t actually press the Talk button. He goes out and quietly picks up the cup, crushing it in his fist, as he wonders why a lifetime of being a nice guy, a good husband, and a devoted father wasn’t enough to earn him any respect.

O.K., he’s a beta. But who cares? The important thing is that I’m not.

And, if you think I’m working alone, think again. I’m part of an élite, Avengers-like team. I talk to PATIO 1, who faces the back lawn, and to CAM 3, who is angled down the driveway. We compare notes, intelligence assessments—high-level stuff.

I can talk to the cameras inside, too! There are six of us in total, keeping an eye on this sixteen-hundred-square-foot home. But I’m kind of the big daddy in charge. Or the Big Brother, if you will. Either way, I’m a big man!

Inside, we’ve got eyes on Duchess’s crate. We’ve even got a camera that can pan and tilt to watch the whole sunroom. Imagine the kind of dark shit that could go down in a sunroom! And yeah, I’m man enough to admit that I’m a little threatened by SUNROOM 1 and her tilting abilities. There are times I would give my left nut just to see a couple feet to the left. (I swear the neighbor lady smokes behind her shed—I just can’t prove it.)

For too long, this house was unprotected. DaveMacDaddy52 and his wife, USER 2, lived in this safe suburban neighborhood for nearly forty years without me. How could he have been so stupid? How could he have raised three beautiful kids while being so vulnerable?

Now, finally, DaveMacDaddy52 can have some peace. The peace that comes from endlessly monitoring the six different screens that provide proof that his house is not actively being invaded. The peace that comes from checking those cameras several times throughout the night when he gets up to pee. And, yes, USER 2 is begging him to get his prostate checked.

If there ever is a threat—I should say, when there is a threat—he’ll know it’s time to get out a gun. If you think DaveMacDaddy52 has a lot of cameras, you should see the guns!

When a crime is committed in my field of vision, I won’t be caught with my lens down. I will share what I know with the police, the F.B.I.—really, with anyone who asks, if they seem like a cool dude. Anything to protect this home. Because it is filled with treasure. From the Pandora bracelet that DaveMacDaddy52 bought USER 2 for Mother’s Day, to the Amazon package of topical testosterone cream still sitting on the front stoop.

But the real treasure is knowing that I control this property. And that everyone on it must bend to my will or get a floodlight in the face. I am respect, I am power. I’m the Eye of Sauron, baby. I’m that cool scene from “The Dark Knight” with all the surveillance equipment that, weirdly, Batman later destroys. (Why?! It was so cool!)

I’m gonna turn on my floodlight now, just for the hell of it—BAM. Hahaha. You flinched. You lose. I am your dad’s Nest camera. ♦