How We’re Beating the Heat
1. Misting ourselves incessantly until we develop a gelatinous outer layer of cooling algae.
2. Boozy adult milkshakes on sloping rooftops.
3. Converting the hot-zone suit into a kicky little romper.
4. Chilled one-dollar Gowanus oysters.
5. Skinny-dipping at the T.W.A. Hotel pool.
6. Temporarily shutting down thousands of heat-producing bitcoin-mining operations—investors won’t mind.
7. Checking into an Airbnb on that chunk of freshly afloat Greenlandic ice sheet.
8. Filibustering in loose, breathable outfits.
9. Kim Kardashian must have something cool planned—ask permission to tag along?
10. Conducting an orderly insurrection at the Vince Lombardi Service Plaza’s Slushy Pagoda.
11. An air-conditioned boardwalk “escape room” that we can’t manage to escape from, no matter how hard we try; please don’t bother calling the fire department—this lock seems to be broken from the inside.
12. Taking a Lyft the full length of the Appalachian Trail.
13. Finally investing in a good set of coconut machetes.
14. Bathing suit, Yeezy slides, hammock slung above a bodega freezer chest—heaven?
15. Getting our hobbity feet waxed.
16. Bribing our way onto a summer-long sequestered mob jury.
17. Mentholated everything.
18. Body-painting on a tuxedo so that we can attend black-tie events in the buff.
19. Petitioning Elon Musk to put all his time and money into a Shade Locator app.
20. Reporting a brush fire, kicking back in a lawn chair, and waiting for the Forest Service to arrive with a bucket drop.
21. Putting on a cotton sundress and spinning around in a field, all wild and free.
22. Dangling our tootsies in the zen waterfall in our therapist’s waiting room.
23. Quick jaunt to the summit of Everest, strapped to the back of a Sherpa that we definitely plan to tip.
24. Shaving off our thick coat of bristly underfur.
25. Apartment-swapping with someone at the McMurdo research station.
26. Reluctantly removing several muslin scarves from our Captain Jack Sparrow costume.
27. Sneaking into Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and stealing frozen jackfruit before she uses it in a post-workout smoothie.
28. Just hopin’ the sun burns out real soon.
29. Visiting a ski resort and aiming snow-machine chute directly at our armpits.
30. Having a few more crates of Alaskan seafood overnighted, just for the dry ice.
31. Ordering a Cameo from Coolio.
32. Flash-freezing Crocs.
33. Staying perfectly still, communicating only with a coquettish smile and a wink or two.
34. Asking our buddy Jeff Bezos if we can bum a ride to the moon.
35. Why not add a few more razor slashes to this ol’ Van Halen tank top?
36. Dialling back hot-sauce selection from “Ass-pocalypse” to “Tongue Reaper.”
37. Installing produce misters on our underwear waistbands.
38. Summer internship in walk-in freezer.
39. Confidently claiming to be a member of the Fountain Police and wading around in various fountains, “solving crimes.”
40. Forging Ice Cream Sommelier credentials and conducting daily quality checks at various grocery stores.
41. Climbing into glacier gap after chiselling out frozen Neanderthals
42. Going underground, joining up with the mole people.
43. Filling a footbath with gazpacho.