My name is Elon Musk, and I am the C.E.O. of Tesla and the father of approximately one per cent of the current population of Earth and a hundred per cent of the future population of Mars. As you know, the human body has not been substantially updated in nearly forty years. The new Tesla Body will revolutionize, streamline, and vastly modernize the human body as we know it.

Let’s start with walking: it sucks. I will make all bodies self-walking. You will simply set a speed for your feet, and they will walk forward forever until your Body stops when it encounters a hard surface. I, of course, will outfit all buildings and walls in urban areas with cushioning. To reduce drownings, any ravine or body of water will be edged with taut elastic ropes. Currently, we are looking at making Scottsdale, Arizona, ready to be walked in by the year 2045. I can hear the critics now: “What if I need to turn?” First of all, what are you, some sort of king? No one “needs” to turn. But, for those Baryshnikovs among us who want to turn left or right like royalty, there will be optional ski poles available to buy for your Body. They will cost five hundred and ninety-five dollars per pole.

Eyes are very boring. Most of what plays in them is boring content (waking up, taking care of your beta-tier children, etc.). I will make sure that, in your new Tesla Body, the eyes will play only the funniest episodes of “Rick and Morty” all day, every day. If you want to go to sleep, it’s easy as pie—just put on your Tesla noise-cancelling headphones (the sound of “Rick and Morty” comes out of a tiny speaker in your tear ducts) and slide in your Tesla Blackout Sleep Contacts. You should not wear your contacts for more than four hours at a time, for cornea health, which is why we sell a convenient Tesla alarm clock, which will wake you up every four hours so that you can remove your contacts. The alarm clock also plays my favorite episodes of “Rick and Morty.” It costs three thousand and ninety-five dollars, plus twelve ninety-nine for the Hulu subscription that gives you access to the “Rick and Morty” episodes.

Food is so stupid. Oh, look at me, I love having to eat every single day like some sort of livestock or mother of my children! Stupid. The Tesla Body will operate on flavorless protein powder that you can deposit once a day directly into your stomach via a tiny door. The powder will give the Body enough energy to walk exactly six miles. If you do not budget your daily energy carefully, your Body will sit down on the floor and not move until the next morning. But, luckily, a convenient Tesla Emergency Tent is included with every Body. When your Body breaks down, just pull out the tent from your Tesla Bindle, set it up (note: you can’t set it up without energy, so make sure you always travel with a friend or an intelligent St. Bernard that has a barrel on its collar), and press the Roadside Assistance button. While you take a much needed nap, Tesla’s friendly roadside helpers will arrive and put extra powder in your tummy door, and you’re off! The tent is standard equipment. The Roadside Assistance service is nine thousand four hundred and fifteen dollars per month. If you don’t buy it, you go to jail.

I am a feminist and I listen to women, and basically the only thing women talk about is wanting pockets. I hear your shrill voices (I am being ironic!) loud and clear. The Tesla Body will have pockets all the way down the legs, like cargo pants that you can’t take off. You can keep so many important items in your skin pockets: your Tesla Emergency Tent, your Tesla Flare (in case your protein powder runs out in the middle of a road), and your Tesla Map of Scottsdale! The map highlights all of my favorite sites, like N.F.T. galleries and a bar where you can meet blond women who have just moved to America from the Eastern Bloc.

I’m going to say what I’m sure you’re already thinking: no one should have a penis but me. A penis is a luxury and a privilege that only I have proved myself worthy of. The Tesla Body will either have a vagina and ovaries or a convenient cup holder for your favorite South African soda, Iron Brew. I will accordingly have the only sperm on Earth. Thus, anyone who wants to procreate will have to fill out an application and submit it directly to me. But, don’t worry, I always say yes! The application is just a formality so I can see what my future children’s handwriting will look like.

Sometimes, with our hectic modern schedules, it’s easy to misplace things, which is why the Tesla Body will come preloaded with a trusty app that will be able to tell you where your Body is. O.K., sorry, one more thing about the sperm. I have never liked the way that my DNA can be spread only through very old-fashioned means. I will therefore embed pre-fertilized Elon embryos in every Tesla Body. All you have to do is take care of your Body, and, one night, a tiny Elon or Elonia will pop out of its own little door! Then just drop your Baby Elon / Elonia off at the nearest Tesla dealership or factory. They’ll know what to do!

I know you are probably so excited to get the new Tesla Body that you are already preparing to throw your old, terrible human body in the trash. The Body will be on the market soon, and it will be available to almost everyone. It fits women’s sizes 0-8 and any man shorter than me. I am the tallest man in the world! ♦