If I don’t do something soon, Earth will not have much time left. Climate change, overpopulation, and general human stupidity threaten the very existence of the planet we call home. That’s why we have to save our beautiful, precious Earth, and also why I have to get off of this dying hellhole as soon as I possibly can.

The future I want to leave for my kids and my kids’ kids is a clean, vibrant Earth that I am far, far away from. Preferably after making a ton of money cleaning up said Earth. I'm thinking something like a massive car wash for the whole planet that drowns everyone on it but me? Actually, this should be doable, but expensive. And will be scheduled for Earth Day. And after making tons of money cleaning this godforsaken shitrock, I will use the cash to leave you jerks forever.

Before leaving this horrible, despicable planet, I’ll do everything in my power to save it while staying as far away from its disgusting inhabitants as I can. Not having to associate with other humans is the least I deserve for working so hard to make their lives better. For example, sexism will no longer be an issue when we’re all wearing androgynous space suits. In the meantime, my anti-love potion will curb sexual desire. It fills you with absolute contempt for humanity. I’ve been drinking it for years.

Also, once the Boring Company finishes drilling my underground tunnels, I will never have to be stuck in traffic with regular schmucks ever again. Oh, and they’ll reduce congestion or whatever. Also, I’m building Hyperloop, which I made sound fancy but is just special trains for rich people so they don’t have to ride with poor people. Also, I am planning to invent special restaurants that will drive your food to your home so you don’t have to eat with other people. Advisers told me this has already been done, so I fired them.

Also, storage. There’s not enough space because there are too many of you assholes. How about a teleportation closet to store extra clothes and shoes? It sends them to space; then, after I use the closet to escape, you can use it to find your clothes. But you have to wear a space suit unless you want to die a bloated, frozen death. Honestly, my best advice is to never store your junk in my teleportation closet.

I am currently the C.E.O. of four different companies. I talk a lot about saving humanity and all that, but my real goal before leaving Earth is to be C.E.O. of at least eight or nine companies. That would be pretty cool. Got the idea from playing Monopoly. Perhaps a real-estate business, but for space. I really just want to hammer down the “For Sale” sign when I sell property on the moon. Imagine the H.O.A. fees!

Humanity needs to go to Mars to help alleviate overpopulation and ensure the survival of the species. I need to go to Mars because I can’t stand spending one more minute on this miserable planet with all you idiot weirdos. Made it very clear that I’m leaving for Mars the first chance I get. No laws or taxes on Mars, either, which is a plus. Until then, perhaps I’ll live deep below the surface of the ocean. Which I will clean up. Probably save the Great Barrier Reef in the process. Hey, it’s my pleasure.

But will I get thanks? Of course not. I’ll solve all of Earth’s woes and get nothing back from you pedos. Example: slipping is a major problem. Saw an ice-skater falling once, in one of those “try not to laugh” videos. It was great, but still a problem. One time, I fell out of the shower, so I understand. I invented super-gravity boots that you can’t walk in. Basically made of cement, but unslippable. Still, no thank-yous.

What else? Drug problem. Replace drugs with batteries. Next. Human trafficking. How can they human-traffic when it’s all automated? Boom, fixed. Create sex robots and then we can traffic those. The world needs to start doing what I do in a bind: throw robots at the problem—robot shoe repairmen, robot peace treaties, robot gun violence. Only issue is that they’d destroy humanity. But probably fix Earth in the process. Since I’m done with you frigging losers, it’s time to get mechanized. Then I’ll fly away on a rocket ship while you meatbags die here.

Also, once I get to Mars, the planet will be terraformed to make it just as horrible and unlivable as Earth. As muggy as Florida and as cold as the Yukon. And also, to fix Earth, I’ll probably have to outsource all the problems to Mars, making them Mars problems. Endless cycle, ad infinitum. Thus, for the betterment of the entire human race, I’ll likely have to leave the beautiful red planet for Jupiter, never to return. Too many people on Mars. And if, for some reason, I don’t end up making it to Mars, at least I’ll always know that huge quantities of my frozen sperm will. Had them encased in special sperm rockets like Superman so one day an alien will be able to create a clone from my DNA.

Great thing about solar power is that it’s free. For now. One day, the sun people will come to Earth looking to take their energy back, and there will be a reckoning. I plan to be far away from Earth by then.

I'll leave you with some final, inspiring words. Every moment that goes by brings the human race one step closer to extinction. If major changes aren’t made, we have a dark period of societal collapse and mass death ahead of us. Well, you do. I’ll watch from the beautiful bay window of my spacious Martian library, and then I’ll make it all O.K. by thinking up some great idea to turn Earth’s demise into a lucrative business opportunity, probably involving X-ray glasses that actually work.

From “Welcome to the Future Which Is Mine,” edited by Scott Dikkers, to be published by Grand Central Publishing.