Thank you for coming in today. I’ve got your test results back, and I’m afraid the news is not good. You’ve been diagnosed with a severe case of Wellness Guru.

If you’d come in at the first sign of symptoms—a Dry January, say, or a prolonged cleanse, or some light at-home facial microneedling—we might have been able to consider less radical options. But I see in your chart that things have advanced to morning fasts and eating a sensible dinner from left to right.

Are you taking daily shots of apple-cider vinegar? That’s considered fairly low on Glieg’s Fermentation Dependence Scale, but we’ll need to keep an eye on usage. Are you washing your hair with it? Your face? Your feet? Have things progressed to the point of having regular kombucha or kvass infusions? If so, let’s get you scheduled for additional lab panels. I’m also going to refer you to a specialist I know uptown so that we can get an appropriate gauge of where you are on Traub’s Hierarchy of Wellness: Questioning, Sampling, Adopting, Proselytizing, or Annoying.

Typical onset of Wellness Guru happens after spending an extended period of time in infested waters, like social media. Infection can also occur while journaling or browsing lymphatic rompers on Goop. It usually starts with one small, innocuous-seeming tip or life hack, like staying hydrated or getting eight hours of sleep. That’s all it takes for Wellness Guru to worm its way into your system.

Left untreated, Wellness Guru will grow rapidly. Early symptoms include bypassing ultra-processed foods, like those yummy-looking pumpkin-spice doughnut holes which someone left on the counter at work, or throwing out that drugstore mascara which was only $4.99—but, wow, did it lengthen without clumping! Late-stage symptoms include making your own laundry detergent, fear of nonorganic fruits, or swapping coffee for fungi powder and pulverized twigs. Do you consider yourself to be living a clean and intentional life? This could be a sign of early-onset supplement psychosis. If so, I recommend immediate hospitalization so that we can get you on an I.V. drip of orange soda and start you on a diet of soft slices of white bread.

Studies show that Wellness Guru is notoriously hard to extract once it has taken root. Mindfulness is not a cure. This practice just makes matters worse. Focussing on your Wellness Guru only gives it more power. Surgery has a low success rate because of how quickly Wellness Guru metastasizes throughout your mind, gut, and chakras.

Believe it or not, there are some highly effective home remedies. Try eating a handful of Takis over the sink when you get home. Maybe two handfuls. Or plucking Tater Tots straight off the baking sheet and then wiping your hands on your pants. You could also try calling your insurance company again about why it’s denying coverage for that tooth you broke on a clam at that raw bar in Puerto Vallarta while vacationing with your in-laws last year. Some patients have successfully shrunk their Wellness Gurus by responding to e-mail messages from their mothers asking for “help with something on the computer.” Renewing your driver’s license at the D.M.V. is also known to help diminish a deeply embedded Wellness Guru.

We see a big uptick in Wellness Guru cases this time of year. Know that you’ve taken an important first step simply by recognizing the problem and seeking help. Before you go, I’m going to call in a prescription for an extra-large tub of buttered popcorn and a ticket to whichever “Final Destination” is playing. Is AMC Lincoln Square still your preferred location to fill this? For maximum effectiveness, be sure to take them both on a sunny day. ♦