Hello, I would like to get the results of a recent routine test.

Have you logged in to your patient portal?

No.

Why not?

It’s literally the last thing I want to do.

Log in to the portal.

I don’t want to have to create another password, and also answer a bunch of security questions, in order to access a portal that I will use literally once a year, if that, for the John Lockridge and Daisy Sarno Dermatology Center.

Speaking of which, why don’t you check this box to receive updates about products from the John Lockridge and Daisy Sarno Dermatology Center?

Why would I do that? Why would I check that box? Who on earth would want updates on products from a dermatology center? You realize that I’m a human being, right? Flesh, blood, hopes, dreams? I hate plagues; love sunsets, waterslides, and pressing my cheek against a hot metal elephant in a sculpture park. And you think I’d ever click “yes” to receive updates on new products from a medical facility? What’s the assumption here? Like, what do you think we humans are doing all day? Eating shit and waiting for opportunities to receive updates on dermatological products?

Treat yo’ self, ninja! By logging in to this portal.

Here are a few things I’d rather do than log in to a portal: Get three mosquito bites. Drive all the way to Encino to have something notarized. Make friends with someone only to realize that she’s a terrifyingly lifelike wooden doll.

Let’s engage in some quick role play. You can be the Idiot.

Idiot: Excuse me, ma’am? But do you know how I can put my health on blast in a few simple steps?

Health-Care Industry (me): [Screaming while handing you a baggie full of fire ants] With the patient portal, beeeeeeeeeeeeeyiiiiiiiitch!!!

If I’m going to engage with any kind of portal, I want it to be a cool portal, like the fantasy kind. I would like it to take me to another dimension, or another world. I would like to slalom through grids, traipse through a mystical purple sea, or think that I’m in the desert when I’m actually inside a magical elk.

See above, regarding what you’re gonna need to do to see your stupid test results. (Log in to the portal.)

You realize that you’re part of the reason why there are so many “deaths of despair” these days, right? I’m not saying it’s your fault entirely, just that you’re part of the general picture.

Also, you have a random forty-dollar bill to pay that doesn’t make any sense and you’re going to be too lazy to contest it.

Well, I guess that’s one thing we agree on! ♦