Congratulations on your decision to become a person who has a garden! Everybody loves this sort of person. Unfortunately, now you have to start a garden. Where are you going to put it?
恭喜你决定成为一名园丁！人人都喜欢这样的人。可惜，现在你得开始打理花园了。该把它安置在哪儿呢？
a) On the balcony of your third-floor apartment. Go to Passage 2.
在你三楼的公寓阳台上。请翻到第二段。
b) In your back yard (i.e., the six-by-nine-foot plot of dead grass that is—as recently revealed by the melted snow—littered with fossilized dog turds). Go to Passage 3.
b) 在你家后院（也就是那块六乘九英尺的枯草地上——最近积雪消融后露出的景象——散落着风干的狗粪）。请翻到第三段。
Passage 2
It’s not a balcony, you fool. It’s a fire escape. This is a serious safety violation.
这不是阳台，你个傻瓜。这是消防通道。这可是严重的安全违规。
a) Try again. Return to Passage 1.
a) 请重试。请回到第一段。
b) You abide by no law. Choose to plant it on the fire escape anyway. Go to Passage 3.
b) 你无视任何法规。执意将花箱安置在消防通道上。前往第三段。
Passage 3
What will you grow?
a) You can’t remember the last time your partner bought you flowers, so you may as well start growing them for yourself. Go to Passage 4.
你已经记不清伴侣上次送你花是什么时候了，不如开始为自己种花吧。请翻到第四段。
b) You live for a garnish. Herbs, it is. Go to Passage 5.
你活着就是为了那一点缀。香草，就是它。前往第五段。
c) You’re more afraid of pesticides than of failure. Get started on that vegetable garden. Go to Passage 6.
c) 比起失败，你更害怕农药。那就开始动手种菜吧。请翻到第六篇。
Passage 4
What with all the flowers, you’ve now got a bee problem. Except you can’t even call it a “problem” because they’re going extinct, or whatever. How do you handle this?
a) You read that bees can’t stand neem, mint, or cloves, so you squeeze in an herb garden. Go to Passage 5.
a) 你读到蜜蜂受不了印楝、薄荷或丁香的气味，于是硬是在院子里塞了个香草园。请翻到第五段。
b) What the hell else can you do?! Extermination is not an option. You’re not a monster; you’re a gardener. You’re also a beekeeper now. Go to Passage 5.
你还能怎么办？！灭绝它们绝非选择。你不是怪物，而是园丁——如今还成了养蜂人。请翻至第五段。
Passage 5
Oops! You’ve accidentally planted nepeta, a.k.a. catnip. This becomes clear as cats begin to congregate on your fire escape. They’ve scratched the screen right out of your window. They’re high. They’re mating. What now?
a) You don’t want them to have too much catnip on an empty stomach, so you start leaving out milk and tuna. An odor grows. Go to Passage 6.
a) 空腹时不宜摄入过多猫薄荷，于是你开始备上牛奶和金枪鱼。气味渐浓。转至第六段。
b) You consult the Internet for a list of things that cats hate (being surprised by cucumbers, sustained eye-contact, those who love them the most, et cetera). Ultimately, you settle on cayenne and decide to mulch with the stuff. Go to Passage 7.
b) 你上网查阅了猫咪讨厌的事物清单（突然出现的黄瓜、持续的凝视、最爱它们的人，等等）。最终，你选定辣椒粉，决定用它来覆盖土壤。请翻至第七段。
Passage 6
You watch as, little by little, seeds sprout into seedlings, growing bigger and bigger with each passing day. You rise with the sun and gaze out the window, marvelling at your godlike work. And it was good! Until, that is, you awake to a barren hellscape of empty holes just one week before you’re supposed to throw a “garden party”—its sole purpose to show off how fucking nurturing and patient you are. This leaves you no choice but to buy a bunch of discounted, half-dead plants, throw them in the ground, and pray for a miracle. How do you prevent this disaster from happening again?
a) You suspect squirrels, so you place a wreath of peanuts on the fire escape in the hope that they’ll eat it and leave your plants alone. Go to Passage 7.
你怀疑是松鼠干的，于是在防火梯上放了一圈花生，希望它们吃了花生就别再碰你的植物。请翻到第7段。
b) You set up a wildlife cam to keep watch. Go to Passage 8.
b) 你架设了一台野生动物摄像机进行监测。请翻至第八篇。
Passage 7
Uh-oh! You opened the window and forgot to close it. The squirrels have infiltrated your apartment and ransacked the place. What the hell?
糟了！你开了窗却忘了关。松鼠们已经入侵了你的公寓，把这里翻了个底朝天。这到底是怎么回事？
a) Repairing the screen is futile, never mind expensive. You bring one of the stray cats inside for security and name her Oregano. Go to Passage 8.
a) 修屏幕毫无意义，更别提费用高昂。你带了一只流浪猫进屋作伴，给她取名奥勒冈。前往第8段。
b) You’re Mother Nature’s bitch. Surrender yourself. Go to Passage 10.
b) 你是自然之母的奴仆。臣服吧。前往第10章。
Passage 8
Driven by a sense of impending doom, you decide that now is the time to harvest. You pick some vegetables and turn this bounty into a meal for the ones you love. You’re so proud that you could cry. You do cry. You wipe away your tears and realize that you’ve forgotten all about that cayenne pepper. Your eyes are on fire. Now what?
a) In a panic, you splash the bowl of milk you put out for the stray cats all over your face, aiming for your eyeballs. Go to urgent care.
你惊慌失措，把给流浪猫准备的那碗牛奶泼了自己一脸，直冲眼睛。赶紧去急诊。
b) Eyes closed, you run for the door and smash into a beehive. Go to the E.R.
你闭着眼冲向门口，一头撞进了蜂巢。去急诊室吧。
Passage 9
Exhausted and wounded, you sit in the waiting room for so long that you start seeing the humor in the situation. You remember the show “America’s Funniest Home Videos.” Is that still a thing? You don’t know. Anyway, you open the wildlife-cam app on your phone to check this evening’s footage and see some strange woman in your garden. And there’s your partner, standing beside this sexy stranger, gesturing around your garden like it’s all his. Now he’s picking a flower for her. Your flower! How do you feel?
a) Hungry for revenge. You look up poisonous plants. Go to jail.
a) 复仇心切。你查阅有毒植物。锒铛入狱。
b) You haven’t eaten, so you’re just plain hungry. You stop by the grocery store on your way home and pay twelve dollars for a head of iceberg lettuce. This suddenly seems reasonable. Go to Passage 10.
b) 你还没吃饭，所以纯粹是饿了。回家路上你顺道去了趟杂货店，花十二美元买了一棵卷心莴苣。这突然显得合情合理。请翻到第十段。
Passage 10
You pluck a celery stalk from the ground, fix yourself a Bloody Mary, and sit on your fire escape, alone. Well, not alone. You’ve got the bees and the cats and the squirrels. You’re basically Snow White now. You take your gardening shears and give yourself bangs because, whatever—they’ll grow back. ♦
