Hey there, Staples shoppers! Just a super-friendly reminder to all you emotionally stunted adults still wondering where your childhood went: Could you kindly stand at least ten feet away from our back-to-school-supplies display? You’re scaring the actual children.

Please don’t mistake us for a cold, uncaring paper-and-office-supplies corporation. Here at Staples, we understand life’s cruel sense of humor. We know what it’s like to stare into the innocent eyes of those cardboard-cutout kids and see yourself as a child, so full of hope and potential. Where has your youth gone? How did the fickle sands of time slip through your fingers so easily? And when did you stop using pencil sharpeners?

We get it. So, for those of you who are now so morose that you’ve forgotten why you drove here in the first place, we set up a really fun bin in the very back of the store, far away from all the families who have their lives together!

Remember when you used to draw those pointy “S”s on your binders? Those were fun, huh? Go ahead—draw them all over our bin! Pointy “S”s will help you forget that you had four bowls of Cinnamon Toast Crunch for dinner last night.

We bet it’s been years since you’ve held a Mr. Sketch scented marker. Yep, our bins have those, too! You’ll have so much fun sniffing them, you’ll forget that your fourth-grade teacher is probably dead.

And it must have been decades since you’ve felt that glow of pure childhood innocence. We don’t have that in the bin, but we do have hole reinforcers! Go nuts!

This bin has all these things, and more! Like Elmer’s glue, so you can smear it on your hand, wait for it to dry, and then peel it right off! Wasn’t everything wonderful back in the days when you used to do that for fun? What happened?

Anyway, please stop staring at those cardboard children and wishing that you could relive your childhood for just one more day. You can’t, because it’s gone. Completely, entirely over.

But you can check out our super-fun bin! I know I will!

Thanks for shopping at Staples! And next time, be sure to visit our online store first! That way, you’ll never drag your sad self back here ever again.