Birthday shopping can be stressful, but if you’re looking for the perfect gift for my niece Maya, here’s a selection of thoughtful, one-of-a-kind ideas that she’ll just love, as curated by me, her aunt who briefly interacted with her on our way out of a family thing when she was, like, fourteen.

Raisins
I saw Maya eating raisins once, years ago, after which she said, “Mmm, pass me a few more.” Obviously, she frickin’ adores raisins and wants no fewer than two five-kilogram boxes every month.

A (Some?) Labubu (Labubi?)
Honestly, I’m still trying to figure out what these are. I say it’s a new kind of Tamagotchi, but my husband says it’s a type of jam. What I do know is that young people like them, and that Maya is twenty-one, unless she’s thirty-five now. Let me text her mom and get back to you.

Crate of Paco Rabanne Ultraviolet Eau de Parfum Samplers
By total coincidence, I just so happen to already own this from that time I went full-on nuts in the Orlando airport duty-free shop, in 2004, and now it’s taking up attic space that my husband needs for his protein powders. Anyway, it totally screams “Maya,” because she’s within driving distance, last I heard, so I probably won’t have to pay for shipping.

T-shirt That Says “I Love Elephants” for No Discernible Reason
I bought this for my daughter because it was seventy per cent off at Marshalls, even though she claimed that she didn’t want it because, and I quote, “Mom, I’ve literally never said a word about elephants in my life.” She and Maya are around the same age, I think, so, logically, it will fit Maya.

Annual Subscription to Nightingale Raisin Farm
Maya will for sure love this, because you get unlimited raisins every month until a lawyer sends them your notarized death certificate. Bonus: she’ll never have to worry about cancelling, because their customer-service number goes straight to a dim-sum kitchen in Guangdong.

“Fuck You, You Fuckin’ Fuck” T-shirt
A bit cheeky? Yes. But Maya lives in New York, and I have it on good authority that everyone down there absolutely cannot get enough of these.

Novelty Personalized License Plate That Says “Mary”
It’s the closest that I could find to “Maya” at the Orlando duty-free shop.

Notepad of Random Ideas I Had for Maya to Implement at Her Job (Which I Don’t Understand)
Maya works in H.R. at Verizon, and I have some pretty profitable ideas about how their phones should have a built-in spoon, in case you’re ever out and need a spoon.

An Air France Mug
They were giving them out at my husband’s job.

Etsy Floral Sham-and-Throw Set
Last time I saw Maya, I said, “Hey, how’s school?” And she said, “Good.” And I said, “Enjoying your classes?” And she said, “Yeah.” And I said, “Bio and algebra, right?” And she said, “Art and geography.” So, yeah, this feels right on the money.

“The Queer Eye Guide: How to Love Yourself the Fab Five Way”
My cousin’s neighbor’s sister-in-law’s hairdresser saw Maya at his CrossFit gym last year. The girls at my bridge club and I chatted about it, and we’re pretty sure we know where this leads.

TurboBlade Anti-Aging Mattifying Beard Oil
Crap, I accidentally copy-pasted from my open GQ “Gifts He’ll Love” tab.

Lifetime V.I.P. Pass to Raisin World Theme Park
Yes, at four hundred ninety-nine dollars and ninety-nine cents, it’s pricey, but Readers Digest raves, “This park boasts the biggest slide made of raisins that you’re not allowed to get on for safety reasons in the Southwest.” ♦